Lost

Lately I have been on a path that is causing me to become lost. I have found myself with that empty feeling deep inside and no matter the decisions I make someone is going to end up hurting. Which I feel makes me the bad guy in all of this. 

Never mind all the things that have played into this feeling of my emotions to finally take over. I feel I have completely lost mind my damn mind. I hear what the others say about "crying for no reason" and the range of emotions they go through. What makes them think I don't have those as well?  I'm just as tore up as they are and probably even more. 

I wish I could get away with blaming it all on this shitty weather we are getting but there isn't anyone that would buy that nor would I.  

I always thought the older and wiser I became that things would get easier and more relaxed. I can honestly say that's not the case. I sleep less, worry more, stress more and at times care less. It's a shame. Maybe becoming a recluse is the only option I have to get my mind back on track.  I'm just not sure right now. 

Been Too Long

It has been over 2 years since a post for me and I am clueless as to why. I love to write things down and put a twist on them, give my perception on a topic, rant & rave but yet I have no idea why I chose to abandon writing anything down. Maybe it is because I became lazy? I'm not sure but am promising myself now that I am going to blog about something at least once a week from here on out. This is a commitment I have made to myself and my oh so many followers. LOL!! I have no clue what I am going to write about but at the same time I have hundreds of thoughts running through my head that I would love to give a take on. So, shortly I will take the time to find myself a topic and run with it on the blog and see if anyone reads it. Until then. BD

JP

The bomb has dropped on Penn State University and it is still exploding with anger, disgust, pain, sorrow and so much more.

I am a Nebraska fan by birth, choice and life. But I am also a fan of sports period, except the NBA (please keep the lockout going). I love the Big Red but I also know when my team is beat by someone I don't hold my head down and make up excuses on why we were beat. I take it as the team with the better plan and execution won that day and I applaud them for it. When you think of coaches and their programs I have followed and cheered for. Don Shula of the Baltimore Colts and Miami Dolphins, Eddie Robinson of Grambling, Barry Switzer of Oklahoma, Paul "Bear" Bryant of Alabama, Tom Osborne of Nebraska, Bobby Bowden of Florida State, I could keep going and going. Also Joe Paterno of Penn State.

Around 9:20 last night I learned of the firing of JP through a tweet from CNN News. The items reported leading up to his dismissal last night were hard to listen to. You just didn't want to believe it happens. Needless to say the sports talk and television tonight have been mostly all about what has transpired at PSU. I am becoming tired of hearing about it for one reason. Yes, Joe Pa was and will always be an iconic coach. A man on TV right now is calling him "a great and caring man". What kind of "great and caring man" keeps on going the way he did? A student that was involved in the "rioting" last night said it wasn't fair at all to Joe Paterno. I beg to differ. It is very fair and needed to happen. Yes it is sad he has to go out with this tarnished image but the man knew of sexual assault on minor children was going on and he lived with it. I know he reported to his chain of command but doesn't common sense take over and tell you to take it another step further? Police report or something to that nature.

I will say it again, I know JP is an icon in the coaching profession. His record spells that out clearly. But the man knew of something very wrong going on and I don't think he did all he could, should or needed to do when he was made aware of it. Therefore, I won't remember what he did and his teams did on the field. I will remember what he didn't do and say when he should have.

I feel terrible for the ones that went through the sexual advances from Sandusky. I would like to see some attention paid to these people. They have lived with this for the past several years and I feel that all the publicity put towards JP is a slap in their face. I hope they get what they deserve as I hope those that did the wrong and knew about the wrong, get what they deserve.

Penn State.....I hope Nebraska kicks the livin' shit out of you this weekend. GBR!!!

CONVERSATION

As a father of 4 I take great pride in my children. Like all kids they have made some decisions that have turned out real well for them and some decisions that have not turned out so hot. But that is the part of growing up that will help define their lives.

Living so far apart from all of them has me an emotional wreck at times. I miss out on so much. So, phone calls and of course text messaging are very important. I love it when from out of nowhere one of my kids text (which is how it usually happens) because that's most all our nature now. It's easy, convenient and simple. Now when one of them picks up the phone and actually calls to say "hey dad", that means a lot to me. Tells me that I might just be on their mind as much as they are on mine.

Now, on the other hand, it is even more difficult when you continually reach out to one of your children through phone calls and of course text messages and get nothing back. No answer, no returned call or not even a returned text. That is the back breaking moment when your mind begins to wander over every decision you have ever made in your life. Where did I go wrong to deserve this from my blood? I would like to think not but then again you never know when you can't talk to them.

The paths I have been on in my life have put me on way too many roads....but those roads have made me who I am. I know these paths have hurt people that were in them as well as hurt me as I was traveling them. I have done and will continue to do the best I possibly can. I am sorry if it hasn't been perfect for everyone involved but God didn't make me to be perfect, He made me to be me. To do the right things, follow the right paths and to hopefully be a good person to others.

I don't care what I have as far as "things" in my life. I just want my family.

April

April Fools must be a thing that I got a kick out of when I was younger. Not once today did anyone try the April Fool thing on me and I didn't try it on anyone else.

I think today should be a day we celebrate like we do on St' Patricks Day, Memorial Day or the 4th of July and Labor Day but we don't. Probably because there isn't anyone that would believe anything we said or did.

I spent the day working. Came home and worked some more and did various chores around the house. Cleaned the house up a bit and then myself. Made some supper and turned on Slingblade and started deleting documents off my computer that needed to find their way to the recycle bin. Kind of funny how everything that I deleted I ended up reading even though I knew what it was before I opened it. One of those strange days.

To me this should have been a special day for certain reasons but it wasn't. It was more like a knife in the back. I guess that is why I did what I did. Some things just need laid to rest and given up on. The world is ever changing and so are the people in it. I guess the bullshit will never stop.

Veterans Day

Today is a day that really completes me as a person. My emotions run very high and I have a strong love for all that have, do and will serve our country. I look at them as my brothers and sisters no matter what branch of service they choose.

Today, my day started off just like any other day would. A little bit of a drive to my first account. During that drive I received two text messages from people I didn't think would ever text me on this day. Both text messages were nearly identical and I know they don't know each other. "Thank you for my freedom"!!! I can not explain how big the goose bumps were after reading these messages. Tears approach, my heart beat excels; I start reflecting back to 23 years ago when I made the commitment to become a Marine. I think about some of my friends who lost their lives while we were in Desert Storm. I think about what their families are feeling on this day. My heart goes out to them all.

I can only speak for me about what Veterans Day means to me. It is the one thing in my life that I am truly proud of doing. I now realize I didn't do it for me. I did it for every single person in America. I sacrificed plenty during my service but I did not give the ultimate sacrifice. The ones that did are the only hero's and role models that I would ever consider having in my life. Selfless acts for millions of people that will never know their name or give a shit if they ever do.

There is so much taken for granted in this country. I see it every single day. It fricken burns me up inside. People think their life is turning upside down over the littlest things. Well we have control over the little things. Don't be lazy and get it handled. They have been spoon fed over their whole damn life and they can't deal with a little adversity. I am not talking about people that battle cancer, losing their jobs, their home, or anything to that nature. I am talking about petty assed shit. You want to know what stress is live in those peoples shoes. Live a day with the military that is in a combat situation. Not knowing if the next step you take puts you on a land mine that takes your legs off.

Acknowledge the Veterans that you know on this day every year. Trust me. They will appreciate it beyond belief. Being a Veteran means that I know I was willing to take one for the team (USA). I didn't, but too many have. I am so grateful for all Veterans. God Bless America!!!

3 Months

Well it has been 3 months and a couple of days since I have last blogged anything. Several times I found myself sitting at the computer typing away and preparing something to post and the little voice in my head said don't do it. Sometimes that is how I roll. Other times I don't have a stinking clue as to how I roll.

Yesterday, as every October 28th is, was a pleasing yet difficult day for me. My youngest turned 16. What a thrill for him it is to have a drivers licence in hand. After speaking with him last night he is probably thinking about all the possibilities in front of him. Of course those possibilities are always going to turn out perfect in his eyes as I'm sure it does with every other 16 year old.

He brought me to tears earlier this month when I went back to Nebraska and watched him run in his conference championship for cross country. I can not explain with words how PROUD I was to watch his drive and determination while running 3.2 miles through pasture, woods, hills and corn fields. When I was 21 I ran 3 miles on a flat surface in 18:00 minutes and thought I was pretty much a stud. He runs 2/10th's further over a much more difficult path in 17:28. It leads me to believe I am nothing but a mere student to his ability. Did I say how PROUD I was of him? Yep, I guess I did. Well I am!!! The good thing is that he has two more years to improve and I know he is excited to do so.

LONG TIME

Okay so it's been a L O N G time since I have been on here and shared any perceptions or thoughts of any kind.

I really don't know what to say. Maybe it's because I am at peace with my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it's because there isn't anything getting on my nerves. Maybe it's because I am finally relaxed for the first time in a couple of years.

So this blog might just ramble about anything and everything.

I have always felt I have been misunderstood by my actions and reactions to certain situations. That's just me. Ask those who do know me well, and of those of you who read this there is probably just one of you that know me that well. Thanks S. W. for understanding. No offense to anyone else but I am very dry and sarcastic most of the time and very few people get that about me.

Lately I have been reconnecting with some music that I listened to back when there wasn't hair in any funny places. For those of you that have heard of Zebra you will understand what I mean. Those dudes are as old as dirt. I don't know about you but I wasn't born yet when dirt was a cool thing.

Did I tell you that I might ramble off the beaten path on this blog?

I have found a new energy for my work. It is funny to do what I do and go out every day in the elements; whether it be rain, sun, heat or cold and enjoy my occupation. I wouldn't trade it for anything but I have had some ill feelings to what I do. Lack of motivation, no desire or whatever it may be. I haven't put my all into what pays my bills. Conventions do help!!! I have found a new motivation to providing a service to my customers and making sure they are taken care of where before I haven't really given "two shits" about it all.

My children and I have always had a quiet and almost secretive communication between us. When we need the other they are there and that is how it has always been. No judgements, just good parenting and understanding. That is all still there but now we find we reach out to each other more than before just to say "hey, what's up"?

This past weekend (back to the job thing) I got to know some guys even better than before. We are all here to help one another out. Whether it be work, relationships, criticism, encouragement or what have you and that has been a huge part of the motivation I have rediscovered. I (as we all need to do) have discovered, once again, that it isn't about what I get.....it's about what I give. Giving is the best thing I can offer to anyone and if we all would give as much as we want then we would all be in the best shape of our lives. Emotionally and physically.

Again it's all about the perception and this is my perception.

Have a great weekend everyone.

IT WAS A BAD DAY

I wake up this morning around 7:00 and knowing I didn't have to leave the house until 8:30 for an 8:45 appointment to fix a gentleman's front bumper on his truck. So I took my time and had some fun with my cat playing with his ball of yarn he is trying to trade me for. Inside joke.

All was well when I left the house but little did I know my day was going to go in the crappy sooner rather than later. I get to the dealership where I told the gentleman to meet me and there he was waiting for me. I looked at his front bumper and told him it wouldn't be a problem to fix and with in 45 minutes all was taken care of and I thought it was over. Little did I know that a couple of days ago he damaged his back bumper as well. "Just a little dent", he said. So I walked around to the back of the truck and it was not a little dent. From one corner to the other his bumper was completely smashed in. I don't know if it's the gambler in me or the idiot in me that made me think I could fix this. I'm pretty sure it was the idiot! Right off the bat I start pressing on the bumper and blow out a fitting on my press. So I switch it out and the very next press blew out that fitting. Again the idiot in me decides to try instead of folding and I blow the third fitting and break the ram for the press. Fittings are $8.00 each and the ram is $110.00 It's part of the job and it happens. But I kept plugging along. Finally after2 hours of working on this bumper (it looked worse than when I started). I finally gave up, which has to be done on occasion, and told him he will need a new bumper. He was glad I tried and That was the end of that.

We settled up and my phone rang. A salesman from another car lot. He has a customers bumper he would like for me to repair and the customer lives in Knoxville. I was in Morristown working today. My impression of the phone call was the vehicle was at the dealership in Morristown and the guy wanted to know when I could have it fixed by so he could pick it up. I told the salesman I was on my way and to have his customer there at 1:00 pm. He said it wouldn't be a problem. I get to the lot and the salesman said he would be there a 1:00 with the vehicle. I told the salesman I was under the impression the car was already there and he wanted to know when to pick it up. Simple misunderstanding. I let him know I would be back at one and to tell the customer to wait in the waiting room and not bother me while trying to fix the vehicle. Salesman said he would leave that up to me and then turned to me and said he didn't like my attitude and could care less if I fix the bumper because he didn't like me and he didn't want me to make any money.

I followed the salesman inside to the showroom and asked what I said wrong. He started (rather loudly) throwing a few "F" bombs my way and said he wasn't going to talk to me about it. So I went to the main manager, who heard, along with several others, what had just gone down and told him what I said. The manager said the salesman is an idiot and to be back at 1:00 and take care of the bumper.

I showed back at 1:00 to fix the problem and found it was just missing a part and I decided to screw one into the proper spot. Unfortunately I grabbed the longer piece instead of the shorter and mounted it right into the windshield washer fluid reservoir. Fluid was flying everywhere. Awesome! A crap day getting more crappy. So I price one of those at $100.00 and get that taken care of and get the vehicle already to go back to the customer. While getting in my truck my $150.00 Ray-Bans on my head fall off as I am shutting my door and needless to say it was a perfect hit and they ended up in a couple hundred pieces on the ground. What else I think? It's not over yet folks.

My next stop I am taking off the rear bumper of a Chevy truck and my air ratchet literally snaps in half on me. You know what? It's awful hot out today and I was about ready to go off. But a couple deep breaths and a small stroke later I am staying positive. I at least got that bumper fixed and it looked really nice and nothing blew up on me after that so I thought my luck was changing.

The next stop there wasn't' anything to do. So nothing to break or screw up and at that point I decided to stop at Lowe's and get some supplies. This past weekend I lost a nut to the tonneau cover on my truck and picked one of those up to replace the lost one. I get all my supplies back to my truck and put them in the cab and open the tonneau cover to see if the nut fits. It does, so I pull out a ratchet to tighten it up and the bolt holding the bracket snaps in half and now my tonneau cover won't stay open. I thought it was changing for the better but I was mistaken.

So needless to say I decided to quite working for the day and come home and see if I could burn down the house somehow, slip and fall in the shower or maybe break a window. I'm not sure.

None-the-less I'm alive and life is good. Sometimes you just have to laugh about it.

GOODBYE

I live way over here and my children live way over there. So when we have the chance to see each other it is a great joy but a difficult time when we must go back to our lives.

For the last four days my youngest son was in Tennessee with me and we had a blast. It didn't matter what we did, when we did it or for how long it lasted. The important part was that we were together. It was a GREAT feeling and I miss the feeling already!!! The last couple of hours have been very emotional for me and I am sure for him as well because of what we are together.

We had our chances to have some very open conversation together. I know he would tell me anything and not worry about being judged. I won't judge him but try to teach him from the mistakes I made because I acted instead of thinking things through at the same age.

He was very open to me about how he wants to be with me and not where he lives now. That is a great feeling but a difficult pill to swallow because of the circumstances. It broke my heart to put him back on a plane and send him somewhere that doesn't make him happy but just adds to his misery. That is why it is SO hard for me to say "goodbye" to him.

It's not like we won't see each other again but we also know the outcome when we do. It, like all the other times, will come to an end and we will go through the same emotions and feelings as we always do. I don't have this thought with just him; I have it with all my children. The more they grow and have their own lives it becomes a little easier but when they are that young and rely on a parent to help them through the high school years it is extremely nerve racking.

I know that no matter what or with whom it is in every persons best interest to make the most of their time together. Love them like you want to be loved. Know when they need you, even if they say they don't and know when to give space. NO matter how tired or dragged out you are, if someone needs something find the power to be there for them. There may be a day when the situation is reversed. More than likely there will be a day and maybe more than one.

I LOVE my children and the people around me with all my heart!!! But when it comes to saying goodbye it is not any fun.

Over 30

Got this in an email earlier today and thought it was too good not to share.

If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... Barefoot... BOTH ways. yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!


But now that I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids
today, you don't know how good you've got it!

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the stinking library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove! Imagine that!


And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!

See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or any time before!

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd

Words

So I have a freind that is going through some hard times right now. Not to get into any details but he is soon to be single and has two little boys. He passed on some words to me today that he received from his pastor. I wanted to share them.

Concentrate on this sentence; "To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did." When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you but merely opening your hands to receive something better.

Concentrate on this sentence; "The Will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you." There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore and who always will. So, don't worry about people from your past, there is a reason why they didn't make it to your future.

I thought this was pretty deep and really enjoyed reading it. Hope you all enjoy it.

My Dad told me......

.......that he loved me today! Which came as a shock when I heard it before we hung up the phone. In my 43 years I can count on one hand how many times I have heard him say this directly to any of his children. There are 5 of us. It made me feel real warm inside. Proud would be a better word.

What took so long? Is there something wrong? I had these questions in my head so I had to call back and ask why after this many years can you tell me this with such conviction that I damned near wrecked. Don't get me wrong, I have been waiting to hear this for the 43 years it has taken him to say it, so I was not complaining but had to be sure there wasn't something wrong. I have come to understand that it's not my father's nature to show feelings. It's how he was brought up. That is the way most people his age are. Not all but a lot.

"All is good" he said. He explained, that after 68 years has seen some light and by watching his children with his grandchildren over this time a light finally went off on how open we all are with each other about anything. I have that with my father now but I wouldn't tell him "anything" when I was growing up for the fear of criticism. He went on to say it was neat to see how his kids didn't judge their kids but gave them another way to look at things and something for them to consider. Our openness to them about our past experiences when we were their age was good for him to see.

We all have our drawbacks. But we all have a lot of good in us. Why is all the focus on that one misstep? Where is the focus on all the good as people we bring to the world, to our family, to those around us? Too many love strongly for a little while and then it goes away. Why isn't one of the strongest emotions we can display out there all the time? Why go in a shell after so long? We all need to work on keeping the love alive and put every effort into it on a daily basis. It will make us stronger, our children stronger, the world stronger. Smile at your neighbor; shake their hand. Love your significant other with conviction; hug her. Praise your children; love them with emotion. Let it be contagious.

I love you too Dad. I love all of you.

The Central Plains

Well, I haven't been on in a while with all the frantic pace that the holiday's bring us so here are some updates.

I was all set to drive back to Nebraska and see family for Christmas. I was going to leave early in the morning on the 19th of December and going to return on the 26th after having time with family and friends. I was going to work on the 18th in N.C. but due to snow storms and bad roads in that area I ended up leaving that morning around 8:00 A.M. and made my 992 mile drive towards the capitol city of NE.

Things went pretty smooth on the drive. I stopped twice for gas, bathroom breaks and something to eat and drink. I arrived in Lincoln at 9:00 P.M. and looked up some friends. Needless to say they were way ahead of me by that point. I couldn't walk from driving so much and they couldn't walk, talk or see much when I got there and it wasn't because of driving all day. The Christmas cheer was flowing. I am sure they still had a good blood level in their alcohol content but when all was said and done I think the alcohol content was the winner.

Saturday my son and I went and saw the movie Blind Side. Very good movie. We both really enjoyed it. That evening we spent with my daughter and her husband and watched the movie The Hangover. Now that is a crazy bachelor party. Kind of reminds me of my New Years Eve. A blank!!!

Sunday evening I took Jake, my son, back to his mom's and went and hung out at my daughters. Unfortunately due to bad weather and roads in that area, along with some school commitments that would be the last time I would see him for the Holiday's.

Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday I spent mostly with my daughter. I actually did go out and fix some friends bumpers and did a little Christmas shopping. By Wednesday evening we were getting the reports of a real bad snow and ice storm heading into the area. My thoughts were to not get caught up in it. I haven't been in a bad snow storm in a few years but remember if it's as bad as they were making it I might be there another week.

Now Tuesday night I did make into town to have some cocktails with my friends Steve and Danny. Needless to say we became somewhat intoxicated. Enough to where I had to sleep on Danny's couch while he snored the night away in his chair. Finally after many tries I got his butt up and into his bed so he could snore in there and I could get a little bit of sleep. What I didn't realize was that morning when I told him I was going to leave that he would come flying out of his room in his rather loose fitting boxer shorts, fling open the curtains to the patio door and stand there scratching himself while 20 feet away the utility crews were working. A sight that may haunt me for the rest of my life. The nightmares have yet to stop. Trust me you would have to of seen it to understand.

Thursday morning, Christmas Eve Day, was upon us and the talk of by 5:00 P.M. the wind and snow would be there and not stop until Saturday, the day after Christmas. I had been in contact with my dad some three hours away and he said that he already had 7 inches of snow and 50 mph winds. Well right then I know there wasn't going to be that trip to my parents house today. Wind and snow are not a good mix. Looking outside you could see the wind was really whipping up a fury on the plains and the little amount of snow that was falling was making it difficult to see anything.

By 11:00 A.M. in the morning I made the decision that I needed to leave quickly. I ran my daughter into her aunts house in Lincoln, 20 mile drive, which took 45 minutes. Stopped by a friends work and picked up a new computer and hit the road at 12:01 P.M. I was heading back to Tennessee.

The first 3.5 to 4 hours of the trip were nothing but a slow, slippery mess of driving. Many vehicles were rolled over in the ditches, traffic was moving slower and slower as the storm crept in. By the time I was East of Kansas City on heading for St. Louis the temperature had finally got about freezing and now it was just rain. It was actually Thunderstorms. So from Lincoln to East of Kansas City it was freezing and snowing and the rest of the way until I reached Knoxville, TN I drove in thunderstorms. I finally arrived back at my house at 3:30 A.M. Christmas morning.

This is one time I am glad I drove back. It is the 3rd time I have done it but by 5:00 in the evening Christmas Eve I was getting text messages from friends and family that I did the right thing. Airports were closed, roads were closed. It would have been at least until Monday before I could have probably left.

Now New Years Eve in Tennessee with friends. I just have on thought. If you suck at playing quarters, which I apparently do. Don't play the game with blackberry moonshine that is probably 140 proof. The night becomes foggy very quickly!

Decisions

Too many to make and not enough time to make them. I am not usually at a loss for words. You can ask anyone that knows me and I have a come-back or a comment on anything that can be delivered my way. For the most part, that is the nut ball inside of me. But when you have to make that decision that is as far on the serious side as it can get, I can clamp down and figure it out. No smart assed replies or comments. Just a sincere way of handling it.

I am heading back to Nebraska on Saturday and am wondering how to handle one of the biggest decisions of my life. It's not for me.......but for someone that is very dear to my heart. I want to do the right thing as well as say the right things but have found I am very fearful of approaching the topic. Can't really let out what it is but it does involve a family member and some wishes they have.

Things like this usually come to me pretty quick and I have the "plan of attack" all mapped out but this one time I am no farther ahead now than I was Saturday when I found out. It has me a bit troubled. I have prayed for guidance figuring I would have a direction by now but it's not here yet. Maybe that 13 hour drive back on Saturday will lead me the right way. I'm not real sure.

I want the best for ALL involved. I am just clueless as to how to show that. The people I need to talk with don't care about my words or the others feelings, only what they can gain from the circumstance. It almost seems like a lose - lose situation. I wish I could tell more but I can't. Just needed to use this to rant a little.

Thanks for reading.

Same time evey year

Why does December bring this on? Every year it's the same ole song and dance. December hits and I couldn't give a crap about anything; but I want to. Everything that goes on around me gives me an ill feeling. I look way to deep into things that are said, actions that are taken and I doubt too much.

When I do have that good vibe going and I try and spread cheer I feel that nobody cares. Are they going through the same things I am? Everything seems so..........artificial, non-sincere.

I try and try. I want this to be a good time like the other 11 months seem to be for me. Maybe this year it is because a lot is weighing on my mind. I'm not real sure.

Contacts vs Glasses

So yesterday I went and decided to make the switch from glasses to contacts. My first worries were getting them in. Found out that is not a problem. So then I worried I couldn't get them out. That is not a problem. So this morning I found out what the problem was going to be..........getting my fat fingers in that little hole you store them in every night while sleeping. I tried and tried this morning to get the right one out. Couldn't do it. So I decided to try the left one. I got it, finally. Put it in no problem. Went back to try the right side again. It magically disappeared. I finally found it on the sink staring at me like the money from Geico does in it's commercials. I'm glad I didn't lose it.

Top Tens

My top tens in no particular order of importance or favorite.

PET PEEVES

1). If you are going to drive and talk on your cell phone, that is fine. Just please remember how to drive.
2). Pulling out in front of a person and causing them to stop fast so they don't hit you and then turning off at the next turn.
3). A Donkey on the poker table.
4). High interest rates on credit cards.
5). The economy.
6). People who say they will and then don't.
7). A person that doesn't give you an aknowledgement wave you when you let them in front of you on a busy street or highway.
8). People who blame anything but themselves for THEIR failure.
9). Being asked my telephone number/account number AFTER I already entered it using the keypad on my phone. I thought I was supposed enter that info to "better assist me".
10). How commercials are so much louder than the TV shows.


CONCERTS

1). Godsmack
2). AC/DC
3). Garth Brooks
4). Iron Maiden
5). Metallica
6). Disturbed
7). Violent Femmes
8). Nickelback
9). Dave Matthews
10). The Eagles

SONGS

1). Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald--Gordon Lightfoot
2). Sounds of Silence--Simon and Garfunkel
3). Sick of Life--Godsmack
4). Bitches Brewin'--Candlebox
5). Night Wolf--Krokus
6). No Love--Tarnished
7). Master of Puppets--Metallica
8). 2112--Rush
9). Walk Away From the Sun--Seether
10). Stinkfist--Tool

MOVIES

1). Shawshank Redemption
2). The Green Mile
3). Boondock Saints
4). Radio
5). Slingblade
6). The Big Lebowski
7). The Bourne Movies
8). Underworld
9). The Italian Job
10). Rounders

CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT

1). Cell Phone
2). Sunglasses
3). In depth conversation
4). My children, friends and family
5). Music
6). Laughter
7). Positive attitude
8). Husker football
9). My job
10). Faith

Beautiful

I have often wondered over my days on this earth how I have looked at the word beautiful. To some beautiful is a scenic overlook in the mountains. To others it’s the ocean or tropical paradise. To some that have their priorities all screwed up; it is money. Maybe it is the sound of a little baby laughing. The sound of a slot machine paying out a jackpot. Hearing your children tell you how much they love you. But most of us think of beautiful as the physical appearance of a person. I will not deny that there are a lot of beautiful people out there.

My thoughts are different on beautiful. What is beautiful to me? Beautiful is a person that can look past the physical defects you have. The one that no matter what has happened to you will be there for you to lend support, an ear to listen or sometimes some much need constructive criticism.

Beautiful won’t judge you……EVER, for something that you have done in your past. Beautiful will forgive you when you ask for forgiveness. Beautiful will touch your hand like it’s never been touched before. Beautiful looks into your eyes and you feel they feel the same as you. "What a beautiful person I’m looking at"!

Beautiful is way beyond the outside of our body. It is a part of it of course. We all see the outer beauty of someone differently. Too many don’t look anywhere but the outer beauty. What about finding the inner beauty?

Beautiful is finding a heart that gives and doesn’t care what it gets back in return, other than the great feeling that it gave; and it mattered. Beautiful is there for you day and night and tells you so. Beautiful values your opinion and likes to hear what your opinions are. Beautiful also speaks to you with kindness, honesty, sincerity and passion.

Beautiful is missed when it is absent for a long period of time.

It is such a great thing to see and understand this kind of “Beautiful”!